Mama, Chaos, Cuss words & Coffee

Do you ever wonder what goes through a toddler’s head as they see their sibling peeing and they reach their hand out and just….grab at the stream of pee? I can’t grasp this thought process…but I’m going to need Piper to walk me through it because home girl as me all kinds of sideways on this one. Declan’s peeing…and her first reaction…was to GRAB AT THE STREAM OF PEE? No. NO. No ma’am. No. Nope. So much Nope.

Mornings that start of like this get W I L D as the day progresses, and boy did it get fucking W I L D.

Here’s the kicker….Piper grabbed at his pee stream….Titan…our three legged shit show of dog…licked his stream of pee….you’re absolutely welcome for that chill of disgust that just went down your spine…because fuckin’ same.

Let me tell you what they don’t talk about when you become a parent….nobody tells you at some point you’re going to have to say “Don’t touch your brother’s pee when he’s going potty.” or “We don’t kick strangers!” Oh? You want context for the last one? Yeah I probably should because I don’t want you to think P is out here running the streets kicking random people. Honestly, I wouldn’t put it past her to do it BUT, she’s not roaming the streets becoming a mobster boss….yet.

Well, little Miss Dare Devil Darla wasn’t listening to me in the store. She kept wandering away from the cart. I’m one of those psycho mom’s that don’t let my kids get too far out of arm’s reach because fuckers be crazy now a days snatching kids…no fucking thanks. I warned her…if she scooted from the cart again, she was going in it. Little miss thang tested the boundaries and found out real quick mama does not play. Her ass went STRAIGHT into that cart. And mama learned real quick Pterodactyl Tammy swoops in and lets the ENTIRE store knows how she feels. *Cue instantly heading to checkout.* I’m FLYING through check out, this delightful older gal came over trying to help me and distract Pterodactyl Tammy….well Tammy wasn’t having it. THIS CHILD KICKED AT THIS WOMAN TO GET AWAY FROM HER….FRIENDS…..SHE JUST *bam* KICKS AT HER.

*insert mortification here*

Stunned. Shocked. Mortified. I don’t think any of those cover it. Like at what point did Tammy think this was okay?! I PROFUSELY apologized. All I could think is…”this woman thinks I’m raising a menace…” She luckily chuckled and said “nope, she’s not having it today.” I think I sighed as one of those sighs to say “Thank you for the reiteration Edith as if I didn’t already know this, my kid is being a dick today, the whole store can hear her. ” Ugh, if Tammy wasn’t such a jerk in that moment I would’ve thanked her for trying to help. Even though it didn’t work in any of our favors…I appreciated her noticing P and trying to help me. *Shoutout to those kind people helping other parents when they’re kids’ are being turds.*

Piper chose violence this day because she didn’t stop there.

After we got home from the UFC fight at ALDI, I’m putting away groceries…and then I hear it….sprinkles…on my floor…everywhere… This child got a chair in the pantry…I thought…oh she’s going for the fruit snacks. WRONG. She found the sprinkles and opened the bag….and decorated my floor with them. What did that cute little shit say you ask?

“WOW! Lots of sprinkles! Mommy! That lot of sprinkles!”

-_-

THIS CHILD THEN SAID TO ME….

“Hurry up mommy!” as I swept these said sprinkles up.

-_-

Friends…I almost fist fought my two year old that day. When Declan was two…he was not like this…three was rough but that’s also when we brought Piper into the family. Piper has been a freaking dick since she could walk I feel like. She hit like 1.5 and it was “I rule this home now.”

Declan is just so sweet…most of the time. He’s really emotional right now…like more than me about to start my dang period. That kid cries over EVERYTHING on some days. I don’t even know what to do with him when he’s like that. I remember one day he was HYSTERICAL….and I mean like uncontrollably sobbing. Why you wonder? Because we let him stay outside and play until it was bed time. Why was he upset? Because he didn’t get to watch anything. Y’all that was a wild conversation. We KNEW if we had him come in earlier he would’ve thrown a fit about wanting to stay inside. We were NOT expecting him to cry for being able to stay outside till bedtime. Like walk me through this kid…you’re upset…because we let you stay outside and play…no you don’t want to go to bed, and this is your excuse. However, we don’t need to be THIS emotional over it. shew. Being a parent is a ROLLERCOASTER.

His new thing is telling us that we’re rude when he doesn’t get his way…to which naturally Piper chimes in…”Yeah! Mommy you’re rude. Daddy Rude.” *Insert her hands immediately on her hips* The spice with this one is so strong.

This is where I want inside their little heads…I want to hear their inner dialogue and see if it argues with itself like we as adults do. (Don’t come at me sideways and say you don’t have inner dialogue either, you’re lying.) I want to hear their justifications for their meltdowns. Like do they go back and forth “yeah, absolutely kick this lady, she’s touching your sparkly shoes” “no don’t do it that’s mean.” “fuck that lady, get off my sparkly shoes” or “this looks like water, lets grab Bubba’s pee.” “ew, no don’t do it.” “ABSOLUTELY GRAB AT HIS PEE, TITAN LICKED IT, IT’S FINE”.

This is how I imagined her inner dialogue processed one night before bed…

“Let’s lay on the kitchen floor and inchworm ourselves to bed.”

“Sounds great, make sure to yell at daddy and demand our water.”

*Daddy said Piper doesn’t get to demand things.*

“Giggle and continue to inchworm. Now stop…give mommy tight hugs, borderline headbutt her for a kiss, and aggressively give her noses….Now…hurry into the bedroom and yell WHAT THE HECK…that’ll keep them on their toes.”

“Perfectly executed…they’re confused as shit.”

Just last week Piper DEMANDED she wore her winter gloves to take bubba to school. It was 63 degrees outside. Enjoy the picture below.

In case any of you need a birth control reminder…read this blog post again, or feel the sass of Piper’s vibes she’s throwing around in the picture above.

Toddlers are W I L D.

Until next tantrum friends….

-Sammie.