Mama, Chaos, Cuss words & Coffee

No one told me I should’ve been working on my poker face since I knew what one was. That is a skill I absolutely DO NOT have. No one told me I was going to need such a skill for when my children get in trouble and say something that catches me so off guard all I can do is laugh. Or when they just do something that makes you question yourself as a parent. However, I’ll take the lack of a poker face over my kids not being funny, these kids say some of the most off the wall things. I was/am not ever prepared for their nonsense, nor am I ever prepared for their meltdowns and the things I need to say to them.

Before I get into all of this mayhem of what my life is like and what my children do, let’s get some things out there. If you don’t like cussing, this blog is not for you. If you’re here to judge me, this blog is not for you, you can go ahead and piss off meow. If you’re here because you’re a momma that needs something to relate to, hopefully this blog is for you. If you’re a momma who thinks their kids are wild and you’re doing your damn best, then same momma, freaking same. If you’re a gal just trying to make it through the world and have chaotic things happen in your life and don’t want feel alone, same babe, freaking same. I’m here to keep the shit that happens in my life real, raw, and uncensored. There’s enough censoring and opinions in the world, I don’t have time to worry about what you think about my cussing or the shit that happens in my life. As a mom, I judge myself enough, I don’t need your judgement…but, to be fair, I also don’t care enough to have your judgement and opinion, so save yourself the attitude when I don’t give a damn about what you have to say.

Now, with all of that being said…let’s get this show started.

Hi frans! I’m Sammie. I’m a 34 year old wife, mama, Scentsy Consultant & bartender from Englewood, Ohio. I’m a lover of coffee, Christmas, bourbon, make-up, craft beer & Disney. My husband (Sean) and I have been married for 7 years, with two cute ass kids and four damn dogs. Yes…four dogs. I’m all about that dog to person ratio. Each human gets a dog…but if you ask my husband, they’re all mine but Diesel…Diesel is Declan’s dude. My two vagina trophies are Declan who is 5, and Piper who is 2. The rest of the zoo is Mabel & Daphne, they’re sisters & Saint Bernards…yep…so much dog hair, Diesel is a potato mutt (he’s thickkkk & looks like a potato when he’s laying down), and then we have our 3 legged blue pittie bandit, Titan, he’s not even a year old yet, he’s a whole ass mess. My house is literally a zoo. I’ll save the story of how my husband and I met for another day, it’s one that people almost think I’m kidding because well…it sounds crazy…but I’ll give you one little snippet…I met his cute ass on Instagram…muhahaha.

Let’s be real, you’re here to feel like you’re not alone in the “my kids are nuts” world, or maybe you’re here because you’re a friend of mine and every time I tell a story you’re telling me I should have my own TV show because it’s just so ridiculous other people have to see. This may not be a TV show, but it’s the next best thing. So welcome to my shit show.

I think it’s important you understand who Declan and Piper really are. You know how you have that sweet first child, polite, pure, gentle, helpful, a little emotional, but most of the time well put together? That’s absolutely Declan. He’s so friendly with everyone, a sweet, pure old soul, and has the BEST giggle. He was named Giggle Monster in Pre-school and he has the kind of giggle that is so damn contagious you feel it in your soul. Anytime I ask Declan if he can do something for me, grab something for me or wants to do something, he typically responds with “YES MA’AM!” so enthusiastic and loving. Piper? She was born without a single fuck to give. I don’t know if she left them somewhere, but she has absolutely zero fucks and it’s almost alarming. I’m gonna need her to maybe find one or two, just for the mercy of my mental state. She’s a straight up savage. She’s mean to her brother but in the same breath is lovin’ on him saying “sorry bubby”. She tackles him like she’s a damn line backer in the NFL, and well D is kind of soft so then he cries…and pushes her…then she cries…it’s a whole damn to do. Piper will look at you as you tell her not to do something…continues to do it and laughs and runs away like a psycho. For example, every Tuesday Declan has speech therapy, we go in, drop him off, and go wait in the car for him to finish. It’s the same routine every single Thursday. However, this past Tuesday I’m standing there talking to his Speech Therapist and Piper’s hand is on the handicap button to open the door, I’m about 20(ish) steps away from her…I tell her no, she smiles, pushes it and BOLTS out the door. Guys & gals, when I say she BOLTS out the door…I mean she’s all of a sudden a damn track star, or I’m old and slow, but she’s halfway down the ramp to the street before I can catch her. The giggles because she thought it was a game ALMOST got me, ALMOST. Now, before you think I didn’t discipline her, I did…she absolutely got in trouble…and when I buckled her in the car seat and shut the door…THEN I chuckled, a lot. I was so winded, she was so fast, and of COURSE she’d bolt out the door when the button is RIGHT there for her to push. It’s a damn open invitation and she took full advantage of the opportunity.

As I’m writing this she asked me for her “waawee” aka water…I asked her for a kiss, gave me a kiss and I gave her the water. I said to her “love you!” she looked at me and said “no love you” and scooted away. It’s fine, I’m fine. I’m used to her emotional fuckery. *sips more coffee to fill the crack in my heart from the trauma*. Piper is next level, and so is my mental state dealing with her. This morning she cried on the floor because I wouldn’t dress Grogu…her baby yoda…that was already dressed. Yep.

Declan has his moments, and he has those dang one liners that are some of my favorites. This kid LOVES to be outside, he would spend ALL day outside if we let him, not matter the temperature. One day he was outside playing…runs inside to go pee. My husband (Sean) is throwing in laundry and looks over at Declan and says with kind of an irritated voice “Declan! Look at your clothes! You’re covered in grass!” Declan STONE COLD face looks at Sean and says “Yeahhhh….because I was doing ninja moves.” *insert hysterical laughing from me* Can you believe the AUDACITY my husband had to even MENTION the grass on his clothes…didn’t he know D was doing ninja moves outside?! If he didn’t, now he does. Declan is practicing his ninja moves in case a bad guy comes. If you ever need a protector of your house, I might hire his skills out, with the amount of grass on his clothes, I feel like his ninja moves are pretty serious and extreme. He’s kind of tiny, but he’s mighty.

Between parenting & adulting…this thing called life is a wild ride. I don’t know who’s driving my ride but sometimes I don’t think its me. Any-whosle-bees, hop on and watch this shit show in front row. Until next time friends!

-Sammie