Mama, Chaos, Cuss words & Coffee

Holy meltdowns batman.

Sometimes I wish I had warning Meltdown Marty was gonna be in the house, I’d get like an extra shot at the coffee shop or something.

Today, we cried because we had to put pants on. Shirt, fine, sweatshirt, fine…pants…ABSOLUTELY NOT. Bless it Piper. It’s 30 freaking degrees outside and she’s wanting to run around pantless. Relatable as shit, but ma’am we need to take your brother to school, let’s put some pantaloons on and let’s rock and roll. Hup hup.

I think Declan secretly taught Piper to pick the most off the wall things to cry about and full send any and all meltdowns. Freaking Magna-tiles. First off, if your littles don’t have Magna-tiles…get some. These kids STAY playing with them. We bought this set on Amazon I linked below- ha! I put a clicky button there. I’m getting crafty with this whole blog thing. #smallwins

Anywho – these kids like to play with these bad boys. They build their little towers, and Declan knocked down Pipers tower. Declan thought it was funny…ha, kid, you know who your sister is…she’s gonna….*Piper knocks his tower down*….QUE THE CHAOS. Declan SCREAMS like I just ripped candy out of his hand. Absolutely hysterical. Whoa whoa whoa there bud-ro…you can’t knock your sister’s down and then not expect your sister to do the same. Now Declan is crying, Piper is laughing…Piper then tackles Declan for some reason, still trying to figure out her tactic in that. Naturally Declan cries harder, Piper is still laughing but rubbing her head because she hit her head but then realizes it hurts so she starts to cry and I’m sitting here looking at my two crotch goblins in disbelief that I made these two nut jobs. Two Meltdown Martys in one sitting, it’s a delightful time. *insert aggressive eye roll*

Declan is very skilled at being a Meltdown Marty, and typically its things he doesn’t quite grasp the concept of yet. For example, we have a little neighbor girl that lives behind us. We’ll call her *Sara*. Sara and Declan play at the fence, and they agree amongst themselves that they’re going to meet at the fence at 10am the next day since they don’t have school. So the following day, Declan goes outside to play, comes inside and checks the time…”it’s 10, why isn’t she out there”. (Okay, but full disclosure it low-key made me sad because I felt like she stood him up, and mama don’t play those kind of games…show up homegirl….you agreed to 10 am, get yo’ ass outside) WITH THAT BEING SAID, I know she probably wasn’t allowed to come outside, or she could’ve got in trouble, or she’s not even home. I KNOW SHE DIDN’T STAND UP MY SWEET WIDDLE BEEB, that’s just what it seemed when he sounded so disappointed when she wasn’t out there. However, my sweet widdle beeb didn’t understand, my sweet widdle beeb turned into good ole Meltdown Marty. This child sobbing said “BUT SHE SAID 10 AM, WHY ISN’T SHE OUTSIDE”. Uh, first of all, let’s scale it back a bit and calm down. Yikes. Second of all, maybe she isn’t allowed to come outside. *insert more meltdown* I went through a PLETHORA of options of why “Sara” isn’t outside. None of them were acceptable. Not a single one.

Alright kid, I’m gonna need you to just chill the fuck out, it is not this serious….So I said AND I QUOTE “So you’re telling me to just go over, knock on the door, tell her parents to let her come outside so you two can play, in the middle of the day…when they’re probably working? Bubba I stay home, a lot of mommy & daddy’s work during the day. She probably isn’t even home.” To which he cries harder for a second and then says “Yeah, can you go do that.” Duh, should’ve known that was coming. Me: “No way my man, absolutely not. She’ll probably be out later in the day like she was yesterday.” I had to then explain THREE MORE TIMES why little “Sara” wasn’t outside when they agreed to meet at 10 am. God Bless America. Wanna know how I got him to redirect his attention? Gave his little ass a fruit snack. Ha that good ole fruit snack distracter. Such a classic move. Really proud of myself on that one. If you see me out in public and Meltdown Marty’s are making their appearance…mind yo business as I chuck fruit snacks at them….mind yo businessss.

Between Meltdown Marty & Judy Attitudey, I don’t know who keeps me on my toes more, but I can for sure tell you all No Nap Ned is my least favorite of the group. So for quick clarifications on my crotch goblin’s nicknames here’s a quick list for you.

• Vagina Trophies
• Crotch Goblins
• Meltdown Marty
• Judy Attitudey
• No Nap Ned

I think that covers most of them for now. Don’t worry there’s plenty of stories to come with each name.

Until next meltdown friends.

-Sammie.